these are a few of my favorite things

the smell of the JC Penney Catalogue (especially the fall one), flannel sheets and pajamas, hot showers, pumpkin candles, staying up all night, big warm beds, singing / being sung to, reading/ being read to, chidrens' book illustrations, cheesy movie lines, cold fruit, diet pepsi, glitter, birds /bird cages : specifically, owls), COFFEE and making coffee for other people, hair products, lying to strangers, hot pink, my polar bear, pictures, bumper stickers, serial killers, the cold side of the pillow, hands/feet and don't fall over, versace bright crystal perfume, sleeping all day, movie snuggling, super inky pens, hot laundry, dark red nail polish, big sunglasses, secrets, baby black bears, the toy section at walmart, trees, pretending to live in IKEA, borrowing stuff from people I don't like and keeping it, sunflowers, champagne, Cosmopolitan, hydrogen peroxiding injuries, cheese toast, lip gloss, jokes, forgetting what time it is, cigarette conversations, live music, cartwheels and handstands, romantic gestures, intricate quilts and youtube videos.

Nothing is ever as bad as it seems at 3am.

dead man's bones/ the longest post ever.

I went into DC tonight and saw Dead Man's Bones play at the synagogue on the corner of 6th and I. It's Ryan Gosling's band, I'd never heard of them but Brad Smith invited me to go with him. It was awesome, they played such a great show and the acoustics in the building were fucking awesome. We got there at like 9:15 and they asked for our tickets, but we were just gonna get them at the door and they said "well we only have two tickets left, how many of you are there." but it was just me and brad. so in total movie fashion, we snagged the last two and sauntered in.

It was hard to find a place to see though, there were giant pillars everywhere. REGARDLESS, it was incredible. there was a choir that does the backup vocals and they all wore white robes and the conductor had a skeleton suit on. it was spooky and right in line with my need for things to get my stoked on fall/halloween.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, if not my absolute favorite and fall is hands down my favorite season but I haven't been really stoked on it lately. The weather sort of skipped fall and went straight to rainy winter and its bringing me down hard. My mom surprised me with some new pumpkin candles yesterday though so hopefully those will make Richmond feel more like the fall that I love.

I feel like I've been letting people down lately. I've been making a point to stop making plans that I'm not positive I can keep because of this people are beginning to drop me. Maybe its my imagination. I refuse to get cut out. But I can't be every where at once, and I need some time for myself every now and then. I'd like to say fuck it, whatever. But I can't, and won't. I don't let people go ever. And its not even that I want to let them go, its that I can't live up to their standards. And if they wanna be sassy about it then I will let them and I will accommodate them. And everything will go exactly as it always does.

I miss Richmond already and I'm ready to go home tomorrow. I feel bad for my parents, I think they get lonely here. Every time I come home they've made another small change, I don't know if this is them settling in or coping. or both.

Its officially my sister's one year anniversary of being married today. That blows my mind. She was engaged at 19 and for a while that made me feel like I'd missed the family mark. Being 20 and basically incapable of making up my mind for any period of time I get stressed trying to imagine what it feels like to make adult decisions. To each his own I suppose and perhaps I'll be a spinster for the rest of my life.

Mer mer mer, its late. I'm done with this melancholy post. I'm happy. I'm generally very happy, this is just the place where I get rid of all of my rants so there it goes, and now its done.

:)

don't upset me, i'm running out of places to hide the bodies

I'm doing my million annotated bibliographies right now in the library and I had to do a research for author credentials for this guy named Micheal Newton who wrote the Encyclopedia of Serial Killers. Upon reaching his website there was an angry Garfield comic and a glitter text that read "Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies." I laughed. Then got nervous. Wouldn't it be the cruelist irony if this guy was in fact a serial killer?
I'm getting loony in here, and am in desperate need for human interaction.
Fuck Libraries!

please remember me, fondly

I'm trying to get my head clear

I push things out through my mouth I get refilled through my ears

I'm on my way to god don't know or even care

my brain's the weak heart, and my heart's the long stairs

Yesterday wasn't even that bad. It was today, it was the facebook notification that "Garrett is now single" that got me. I had a rush of emotions, I feel guilty almost.

The opposite of love isn't hate its apathy, I'm not apathetic yet. I still love him.

I'm not in love with him any more I guess, but its still a hard pill to swallow.

I know its what is right for me right now, but its hard to believe that when it still hurts.

life is hard. relationships are harder.

fuck!

the match of the century, absence versus thin air

3:31

can't sleep, shouldn't sleep anyway. homework to be done!!

0% interest in doing it.

the smell of carmex makes me ill.

waayyyyyy too grumpy.

redundant

broken record, broken record, broken record.
sometimes that's a good thing, like on wave runner when you get the best time.
in this case however, its simply me rambling on and on about the same things over and over.
its funny because no matter how many times I convince myself that I know what the right decision is, its seldom the one I decided was the right decision before. There are two choices here, stay or go. And I cannot decide which I'd rather do. Which I WANT to do.
I went to a wedding tonight and I realized how strange it is to me that people can decide to spend the rest of their lives together without a single qualm. I wish I could be that certain about anything. I don't know of a single thing that I can say I definitely want to do every day for the rest of my life. I don't know what it means to love someone so much you can't imagine spending a day without them. The fact that I can't even imagine that might also be unhealthy.
Who decides that though, ya know? I'm mad. its 12:48 and I am mad. I spend a lot of my 12:48's mad because of the same reason. Does that mean I should give up and even if I should, will I?
My great aunt died today, and he didn't even answer his phone when I called to tell him. I'm not that upset honestly, I didn't really know her that well. But I would have never done that to him. Ever.
It seems so obvious, but it still doesn't make it easy. I'm wrapped up and twisted around and sometimes the right thing is the wrong thing and no one can decide anything except me.
No matter how many times I try to make them.

I need to do homework but I can't concentrate, my eyes keep wandering toward the clock and then toward my cell phone. I'm still wearing the dress I wore to the wedding but with sweatpants on underneath. I wish I had more excuses to get dressed up, this, along with my shows that suck, makes me truly happy.
I don't want to take the dress off, maybe I'll sleep in it.
I might go back home tomorrow, I'm starting to think this roadtrip is probably a mistake.

I wish I had a roof nearby, I could use an escape for a little while, reality is far too ominous.

slacker.

Summer always brainwashes me into an alternate reality where everything's easy and nothing sucks. Well, almost nothing. It sucks less I guess.

Then I come to school and I'm shocked that people have expectations of me, which require a great deal of my time and attention. I'm paying them to expect that of me yet I still begrudge them for it.

Catch 22.

lazy bones.

(Calvin and Hobbes for you, Grundy)

In other news, True Blood ended last night and Gossip Girl started today.

the world works in my favor occasionally, I don't care how lame those shows are. They make me genuinely happy.